How to Determine if You are an Alcoholic

I find it strange when people can't figure out on their own if they are someone they know is an alcoholic. It seems like it should be the most obvious thing in the world. What is even more bizarre is when people who clearly are not alcoholics, label themselves as alcoholics, evidently so they can legitimately be welcomed into a 12 step group. They are interested in the fellowship, validation and other social aspects of the group dynamic. If you've ever read Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk, I liken this desire to identify with AA dogma, when you've never actually drunk alcoholically in your life, to the same compulsion found in that book. But for anyone who is still unclear as to what constitutes an alcoholic, I've provided a few key signs below:

Delusional Thinking and Behavior

You might be an alcoholic if after you've imbibed a vat of vodka, you decide at 2 o'clock in the morning it would be a good idea to phone your Great Aunt Gertrude to thank her. She was the one who taught you how to knit when you were ten. She is 85 years old and you haven't seen or spoken to her in over three decades.

Aunt Gertrude does not remember who you are, but that is irrelevant to you as you babble away over the telephone in a slurred voice. Once in a while, you ask Aunt Gertrude if she is mad at you, but you never give her long enough to answer. You tell her that one day you're going to be famous, and your scarf will probably be on the cover of Vogue Knitting. You have sent an email to the magazine with a digital picture of a scarf you're pretty proud of and expect a response soon.

If you truly believe that you are the next best thing in the knitting world, there is an even greater probability that you are an alcoholic. The probability is further increased if you start crying while thanking Aunt Gertrude. When you wake up the next morning entangled in what must be the remnants of your scarf, which is nothing more than unraveled yarn, then you are an alcoholic.

You are also an alcoholic if you always wanted a dog, but while inebriated brought home a stray cat. You name the cat Rufus and teach him to fetch beer bottle caps. You fashion a leash out of your leftover yarn, and get into the habit of taking Rufus for midnight walks while naked and drunk.

Blackouts and Memory Lapses

If you wake up disoriented, or in bizarre situations that you have no recollection getting yourself into, then alcoholism could be an issue for you. For example, you might be an alcoholic if you wake up one morning with a partially digested bite of a cheese and ham sandwich in your mouth.

At first you have no idea what this disgusting thing is lodged in your cheek. With blurred vision, you reach past an empty wine glass and your long abandoned knitting needles for your eyeglasses, sitting somewhere on the nightstand. When you do this, you notice a sandwich sitting there with a bite out of it. If you don't remember making that sandwich, or taking that bite, then you are definitely an alcoholic.

Financial Difficulties

Money problems are always a sure sign of out-of-control drinking. You might be an alcoholic if you're usually broke and cannot figure out where all your money goes. When you do need money for cigarettes, yarn, or your cat's dog food, you calculate that you need to buy 24 more cases of beer. The money you collect from the empties should cover some of your expenses.


If your currency is beer and your bank statements come from the can crusher at the bottle depot, then you are an alcoholic.

Legal Troubles

Legal issues and encounters with the police are common amongst alcoholics. If you find yourself in trouble with the law as a result of your drinking, then there is a chance you have a problem.

For instance, your cousin Floyd has asked you several times to stop calling his mother, Gertrude, at odd hours throughout the day and night. You are starting to scare her, and he fears for her fragile mental and physical state. You are remorseful and apologize for traumatizing Aunty Gertrude - that was not your intention. You promise Floyd that you will cease and desist, and you mean it when you say it.

However, after two boxes of wine your entire personality changes and you scoff at your promise to Floyd.


"Floyd's an idiot!" you decide and reach for the phone.

Not long after, you are served with a restraining order. You feel terrible, if not a little confused, by the accusations. You thought you had stop calling her. You do not recall any recent conversations, although there was that one morning you woke up with the telephone cord wrapped around your neck and Aunt Gertrude's number on the redial. You phone Aunt Gertrude to express your regret and sincerest apologies for scaring her.

If you find yourself waking up the next morning in a drunk-tank, missing your clothes, and in a pool of your own urine because of violating the restraining order, then you unequivocally are an alcoholic.

Accidents, Injuries and Medical Concerns

Alcoholism is notorious for causing accidents, injuries and disease. If you experience excessive falls, repeatedly injuring the same body part, it might be time to stop drinking. Your last fall may have occurred while standing on level ground, banging on Aunty Gertrude’s front door. Restraining orders, legal proceedings, and multiple stints in a jail cell have not deterred you, once under the influence, from trying to convince her she shouldn't be afraid of you.

Although by this time Aunty Gertrude definitely knows who you are, she still has not seen you in many years and does not recognize you. Your skin and the whites of your eyes have a yellowish tinge to them, and you can no longer hold knitting needles because your hands have a distinctive Parkinsonian shake to them.

When Aunty Gertrude finally opens the door, you are in the process of trying to pull yourself up from where you have fallen. If, when you look up at her with your glowing jaundiced eyes and moon face, your unsightly appearance gives her a heart attack, then you are most certainly an alcoholic.

Relationship Conflicts

Estrangement and other relationship conflicts is yet another classic sign of alcoholism. If your spouse has had enough and has kicked you out of the house, then perhaps you are drinking too much. Killing Aunty Gertrude was the last straw. When everyone you know has stopped speaking to you and even Rufus cannot stand you, then you are an alcoholic.

Rock Bottom

If death does not take you first, being aware of the concept of "rock bottom" can be useful in deciding if you're an alcoholic. Rock bottom for you might occur when after being evicted from your home, you start living in a huge cardboard box stamped with the trademark, "Lion Brand Yarn."

You have completely given up on your dream of becoming a world renowned knitter. Other than the shakiness, some of your fingers had to be amputated after being caught in the can crasher while making a deposit. There is no way you can knit now.

The only life form that had not yet completely turned on you has now deserted you as well. All you have left to remember Rufus by is a hairball and a couple strands of thread left over from his leash. You huddle in your box despondent over the loss of your cat and the belief that you killed Gertrude.

If all your rock-bottom worries are forgotten the moment  you've panhandled enough to buy some rubbing alcohol, then you have definitely hit rock bottom and you are, without a doubt, an alcoholic.