I was almost killed by garbage

I am quite suspicious the Universe is literally flinging bits of garbage at me in an attempt to get my attention. I’m doing something wrong – maybe going the wrong way, thinking the wrong thing, acting in the wrong manner…whatever it is. But then, I wouldn’t know what it is because I am so unaware of my surroundings, hence the reason the Universe feels the need to throw moronic things at me.

In addition to trash, the Universe might be randomly, yet strategically placing other obstacles in my way in its ploy to direct me – little bits of Lego, miniature plastic army men, doll body parts, keys, thumbtacks, and 10-pound dumbbells are placed just so to ensure that I painfully impale or stub my toe as a reminder that I do in fact exist. The Universe is also partial to the corners of coffee tables: “Look where you’re going, stupid.”

This strategy is proving not only ineffective, but also insulting.

Yesterday the Universe tried to guide me by using pieces of McDonald’s trash that some other unenlightened asshole threw out of his car window as he whizzed down the highway (I didn’t witness this, only inferred it from the evidence).

Hours later, here oblivious me comes – lala-la-lala-la – just beginning to loosen my death grip on the steering wheel after having had THREE separate cars on three separate occasions almost hit me in the preceding 20 minutes. I’m not even kidding. How come I have so many close calls? How can I be that invisible to people?

So there I was – it’s the end of the day. All I want to do is get home, tuck my kids in bed and blank out, when there in the distance is something (again) in the middle of the road, and I’m closing in on it fast.

Oh my god…WHAT is THAT now??! Is that a person??! Wait! Is that more than ONE person??!!

“Move out of the way IDIOTS!!” I scream at these suicidal maniacs and swerve to avoid killing them, nearly killing myself in the process.

I guess my eyesight isn’t great.

There was no person or even multiple persons.There was, as I’ve said, nothing but more enigmatic McDonald’s garbage. The stuff is everywhere. In a frenzy, the Universe is throwing non-biodegradable waste around like confetti. The waste is accumulating too, so apparently I am not the only one who isn’t paying attention to what the Universe is babbling on about.

Garbage is all over the place, and yet every time I encounter it I’m a little surprised, the same way I am when I see someone smoking.

I was under the impression people didn’t smoke or litter anymore. It appears political correctness is giving me a false sense of reality. I’m seeing things that aren’t there and I’m not seeing things that are.

It seems like there should be some sort of lesson here, but what? Why must the Universe play these tedious games? Just. Spit. It. Out.

All I know is that there I was panicking, because I believed I was closing in on a life or death situation, but on closer inspection it was only garbage.

I was almost killed by garbage.

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