Today I was involved in a conflict with someone I will refer to as Simple Simon. According to him, I agreed to do something I was never actually asked to do. Someone please explain to me how a person can commit to something she does not even know exists? I feel like Jerry Seinfeld when he had to wear The Puffy Shirt, except in this case it is Lala and the Babysitting Gig she had to work.
Apparently I agreed to sit in the audience with Simon’s four young children while he performed on stage for 5 hours. Who, outside of Big Bird, Barney or Mrs. Duggar, would in her right mind ever agree to such a preposterous thing?
I have my own self-created sources of embarrassment, public humiliation, frustration and tedium without taking on someone else’s problems. And I am not suggesting children are horrible burdens. In fact, in addition to my own children, I adore the gaggle of children in question.
My adoration, however, does not mean I want to be trapped with any of these little savages in a dark, confined space with a bunch of other sweaty, pulsating bodies directing their hostility at me because I cannot possibly, by myself, restrain a pack of unruly, probably hungry, probably tired, children. You cannot muzzle children and tie them to a chair for crying out loud - and crying there would be a lot of.
So now, outrageously, Simon is mad at me for reneging on a commitment I never committed to in the first place. Upon further questioning, it would seem he figured that by simply listening (and I don’t even think I was listening to be perfectly honest) to him tell me about the play I was in effect agreeing to babysit his kids.
Since when is pretending to listen to somebody considered consent? Because if this is the case, I am in BIG trouble. People are always nattering at me. I have no idea what the hell they're going on about. Surely I cannot be expected to absorb all this banality I'm exposed to - it's inhumane. Sometimes I feel like I am the only sane ship in a whole sea of crazy.