REAL HOUSEWIVES OF VANCOUVER: SEASON 2, EPISODE 5: HIGH NOTES & LOW BLOWS
It is said, contrary to a commonly held belief, that
popular culture reflects society more than it influences society. Moreover,
this mirrored image of ourselves is not always a pretty one, which is probably
why we bemoan the influence of television, for example, on our impressionable
minds rather than face the unsavory truth it is us who directs popular culture, not the other way around. The
bullying we witnessed on this week’s episode of the Real Housewives of
Vancouver is a prime example of this – of how reality TV echoes, well, reality.
Isn’t it interesting then that at a time when there is a strong anti-bullying campaign going on, what with anti-bully week, the well-known 2011 documentary film Bully, and the recent release of a new documentary, TheBully Effect, that we are exposed to adult women openly bullying, on public TV no less, Mary Zilba?
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| The bullies: Jody Claman and Ronnie Negus |
We have all the elements of the “bully effect” here. We of course have the victim, Mary, the bully herself, Jody Claman, and the bully’s lackeys: Mia, Amanda and Ronnie. We also have the bystanders, Robin and Ioulia, who are uncomfortable with the bullying but do nothing to intervene.
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| The bystanders: Robin and Ioulia. |
There was no justifiable reason, regardless of the attempts to make some up, for the way Mary was treated in High Notes & Low Blows. It was disgraceful and illustrates that despite the campaign against it, bullying is still alive and well and even encouraged in our culture.
And by the way, this isn’t “high school” and this isn’t “cat-fighting” – what we’ve seen on the Real Housewives of Vancouver between Mary Zilba and all the rest of them is the seedy underbelly of human nature. It refers more to our animalistic roots in evolution than it does to the maturity level of a few fatuous “housewives”.
I personally believe this kind of pure nastiness or
urge to inflict pain on other living things should fast become a vestigial
feature of our collective humanity. It is not good. We no longer need this
particular form of aggression. Yet it continues to live in us like an inflamed
appendix, festering away - an unnecessary organ that nonetheless if not removed, has the potential to kill us.
Does it not seem outrageous this bullying behavior
still goes on in spite of, and maybe ironically propelled by, some of the most notable and horrific examples of bullying we
have, such as the tragedies of Amanda Todd and Reena Virk? Innocent lives are
tormented and innocent lives are lost, whether it is the victim of bullying who
dies or whether in a blitz of homicidal rage the victim turns on the society
that rejects him or her.
We should not be entertained by this behavior and yet
here we are celebrating it, whether we mean to or not, by giving it our
viewership and therefore ratings. Jody
the bully is rewarded with a stint on Top Chef Canada as a guest judge, while
Mary is punitively made to look like some sort of pariah.
They go to great lengths to make it seem like Mary somehow
deserves to be victimized by making a much bigger deal out of her trying to tactfully
remove herself from a volatile situation before it turned really ugly.
None of them would let her leave, though, when she
tried to do it honestly. They badgered her to stay, even her so-called friend,
Robin, who made some meaningless comparison between herself and Mary as if it
was the same thing, as if anyone was picking on Robin the way they were on
Mary.
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| Here Robin downplays Mary's understandable discomfort and desire to leave. |
Nobody was picking on Robin. If anything, the bullies were seducing her to their side. If Robin was not so self-consumed and truly cared about Mary, rather than pressure her to stay, she would have helped her escape.
Even some RHOV fans/haters, bloggers and entertainment
writers are throwing their jabs at Mary like a sick mob thirsty to get in on
the blood sport initiated by reality TV Neanderthals.
Dana Gee from The Province comes right out with this: “And
sadly most of the drama directed towards Mary was of her own doing.” Oh really?
People were writing the same terrible things about Amanda Todd, saying she got
what she deserved, that she was weak, that if she was strong enough or had the
“right morals” she wouldn’t have been harassed and threatened to the point
where she believed her only out was to end her own life. I think I cried more
reading those unconscionable comments, made mostly by people under a cloak of
anonymity, than I did watching Amanda Todd act out her suicide note on YouTube.
Evidently there are a significant number of people in
this historically Christian nation who are repulsed by pacifists emulating the
teachings of that great moralizer, Jesus, such as love your enemies, forgive
them without retaliation and pray for their well-being.
We want to see the underdog fight back and when he
doesn’t, when he just lies there and takes it, rather than give him a hand or
fend off his tormentors, we join in on the massacre to destroy him.
Jesse Ferreras from The Huffington Post, BC, whose smart, snarky RHOV commentary I usually enjoy and agree
with, jumps into the fray with this condemnation:
Mary, I hereby christen thee
"Mairhead." You're a vacuous, compulsive liar who doesn't know how to
defend yourself. I'd pity you if your defeat at the hands of a gremlin (Jody),
an Amazon (Ronnie) and a dunce (Amanda) weren't so inevitable.
According to him, if you
don’t happen to be born with the biting wit of Dorothy Parker, you don’t
deserve compassion. No, you deserve to have MORE insults thrown at you! There
goes at least half the population. I am disappointed. I thought he was cleverer
than that. Every day it seems there’s another asshole to loathe.
The world is bad enough – imagine
how much worse it would be if there were no Marys and every person you encountered
was ready with a character assassination at the slightest misinterpreted provocation.
Speaking of which, let’s move on to Ronnie Negus: We
all know her “insidious” (a word she loves to hypocritically use) agenda with
regards to her “best friend” Mary. Ronnie has a particular cruel streak and
bias when it comes to Mary. We saw it pretty much immediately in the first
season where Ronnie DID SO get into Jody’s ear about Mary and “add fuel to the
fire”, thereby negatively influencing Jody’s erroneous opinion of Mary before even meeting her.
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| A follower, a lackey, a bully's best side kick. |
So after Mary makes her escape in this episode and the
scheming Amanda decides now is a
convenient time to tell Ronnie that Mary said Ronnie was the reason Jody and
Mary didn’t get along (which isn’t exactly what Mary said), it is in fact TRUE.
Ronnie of course waxes indignant that such a thing could be said of HER, the epitome
of integrity – a lie – and as usual
takes the opportunity to call Mary
the liar. I think they call this projection.
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| Ronnie: I came between you guys?? Are you KIDDING me?? Lala: Are YOU kidding US?? |
Ronnie likes to set Mary up to make her look bad, although it often backfires and Ronnie is the one who ends up looking bad. We’ve seen it time and again. At Amanda’s birthday party, Ronnie initially minimizes Mary’s concerns about Jody and Mia already on the attack, waving her off outside of the restaurant. She basically rolls her eyes, “here we go again”, as if Mary is making much ado about nothing.
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| Ronnie, who apparently can't stand herself: "There's one thing I can't stand and that's a liar". |
But then once comfortably seated at the table with an
eager audience, an audience hungry for Mary’s blood, Ronnie calls Mary out in a
similar fashion to the way Amanda called Ioulia out a week or two before.
Remember that? When Ronnie reprimanded Amanda for stirring up trouble and being
a petty, “phony little bitch” at a nearly identical table setting? That was the
fleeting moment when I thought I could like Ronnie. The moment has now officially passed.
Mary, to her credit, handled the situation like the
classy lady she is and refused to be roped into the mud. She declined to answer
Ronnie’s leading question and Jody’s subsequent challenge to cause trouble,
opting instead for a cease fire, reminding them that it was Amanda’s birthday. Jody
agreed but could not stop herself from one last infantile criticism about Mary
talking with food in her mouth. Good one
Jody.
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| Mary: I just wanted to get out of there. Lala: Rightfully so. |
Still, the damage had already been done and as we saw in the first season, Jody like Ronnie is not a woman of her word. She or Ronnie certainly would have started back up on Mary at some point later in the evening had Mary stuck around much longer.
It was an awkward, pressure-cooker situation and Mary
understandably wanted out of it. Her attempts, however, to be up front about
why she wanted to leave were met with such resistance that Mary was forced to
come up with a new strategy to get out of there without causing much of a scene. The
strategy she chose is as old as the class system these "housewives" maneuver and
exploit their way around. It is nothing any of the other women have not done
themselves.
Yet when it becomes fairly clear Mary wasn’t being
completely honest with her excuses to leave Amanda’s birthday party, instead of
letting it go, it was like watching hyenas let loose on an unprotected baby
wildebeest. They ripped Mary apart from limb to limb as if they themselves were
morally inculpable and had never in their lives made up an excuse to get out of
a sticky social engagement.
These socialites (although can we really call Amanda a
socialite?) are absurd hypocrites whose own lies are easy enough to reproduce.
I am not going to list them all now because this post is too long as it is, but
all you have to do is watch re-runs of the first season. Their fibs and
fabrications are all there, recorded for posterity.
Besides that, who doesn’t
tell a lie to spare someone’s feelings or to avoid a huge unwinnable fight?
Ricky Gervais in The Invention of Lying, not a great movie but an intriguing
concept, imagined for us what the world would be like if everyone went around
telling the brutal truth. It would be soul crushing.
THIS is soul crushing.
Wouldn’t it be inspiring, though – wouldn’t it give
such hope for our evolving humanity if we did not see the likes of Jody and her
unentertaining cruelty back for season three? It would mean this anti-bullying
campaign is working. It would mean we as a culture are improving.
And if that is possible then imagine how gratifying it
would one day be to peer into our reflection and the popular culture that
glared back at us did not include bullies and misogynists, bigots and
hypocrites, psychopaths and sociopaths.
But for now, the bullying will continue into next
week’s episode…
MARY ZILBA DO NOT BACK DOWN TO THE BULLIES
MARY ZILBA DO NOT BACK DOWN TO THE BULLIES
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 1
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 2
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 3
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 4
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 5
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 6
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 7
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 8
LALA RHOV RECAP: SEASON 2 EPISODE 9
Bravo! BRAVO! I agree with every single thing in this blog post. I am no longer going to watch this show and that is very hard for me because I am hugely addicted, but I can no longer watch the incessant bullying of Mary. There is no good reason for it and as you said, Mary has not done anything that the other woman haven't done themselves. The way they pounce on her anytime she makes the slightest mistake or says something that can easily be misquoted is disgusting and not entertaining to watch.
ReplyDeleteRonnie is delusional and needs real help. The projecting that she does onto Mary is obvious and so infuriating. I hold out hope that one of these days Mary will actually have a real supporter on the show and not somebody who gives her nice enough words when they're alone but stays quiet or leaves the table as soon as it gets vicious. Jody and Ronnie sure like to back each other up and gang up on Mary.
Thank you for this blog post. My blood was boiling at how many bloggers were taking Jody and Ronnie's side. I read your blog regularly because you seem to be the only sane blogger voice when it comes to this show. Thank you.
Thank you for commenting, Annie! You have no idea how nice it is to hear from a like-minded viewer/fan of the show and not be "attacked". I get my share of those, but usually delete them. Occasionally if it is a particularly moronic comment I won't delete it because its stupidity speaks for itself, and is there anything more amusingly satisfying than an asshole exposing him or herself to ridicule, all the while thinking they are making some sort of valid point? Jody, Ronnie and Amanda fall into this category often enough - although I do concede the show's editing clearly does have something to do with that perception.
DeleteI personally am sick of hearing all the moralistic blethering about how only shallow, uneducated, unthinking, "trailer park" people, mostly women by the way, watch this show. I no longer agree with that judgment call for a variety of reasons, one of which I touch on in the above blog about how popular culture reflects in some ways who we are as a people and enables us to monitor ourselves, if we're open to it, that is.
So because I do not think regularly watching RHOV necessarily means you're a slow-witted puff of Botox, Restylane, collagen and silicone, I am perfectly willing to defend our, as you rightly put it, "addiction" to The Real Housewives franchise. However, after this episode, even I feel a line has been crossed.
While you do obviously see bad, "mean girl" behaviour in the other Housewives series, I've never seen anything like this. You can have drama, controversy and the allure of manufactured outrage without resorting to such blatant cruelty. It wasn't entertaining. It made me feel sad, actually.
Anyway, thanks again for stopping by and sharing your opinion, one I happen to agree with - much appreciated!
~ Lala ~ :-)
Yes, a million times yes! I am getting so sick of seeing those comments about how only idiots must be watching this show! Huffington Post is the worst, posting wise and comments wise. Every single comment on there is insulting to every intelligent woman who watches this show.
DeleteThat is another reason I like your blog, you are obviously a very intelligent woman and you eloquently express many of the things that I feel and think while watching these shows. It does make me feel better about myself, hahaha, because I realize that I AM in good company and I'm not some gollum who is sitting there hugging my remote when a real housewives show is on muttering about my precious. :)
I also agree that this is the worst behavior I have ever seen on a housewives show. It is worse than the last season of NY with everybody piling on Alex. Alex got off easy compared to what Mary gets. New York, Atlanta and Beverly Hills almost look like a bunch of tea parties compared to the massacre in Vancouver. I miss Christina. She didn't speak up as much as I would have liked for Mary, but she did a little bit. I wonder if that is one of the reasons they fired her. I know they say that she said something they didn't like on the unofficial aftershow or something silly like that, but I wouldn't put it past them to want to make the odds further against Mary.
Speaking of, Mike Bickerton is an odd duck to me. I think his tweets are funny, but he is a little too obvious about the fact that he is Team Jody and Ronnie. That montage they put together of Mary during the reunion of all the times she remarked about Jody in response to some sort of bullying behavior was completely unfair and didn't prove the point they were trying to make. They thought they were outing Mary as a hypocrite but the things she said were in response to atrocious behavior and they didn't come from a mean or cruel place, they came from a wounded and defensive place. HUGE DIFFERENCE. The smug way that Bickerton introduced that clip and then asked her to comment about it afterward made me realize that Lark was in on the bullying. That turns me off, as well. I just don't understand how a person like Mary can be treated worse than a criminal for things that every human being does!
BTW, I can only imagine the types of comments you get. Ronnie and Jody's fans all seem just as delusional and cruel as they are. It's fitting, I guess. Do you know how I found your blog? Ronnie was blathering on last season about what a bully you were on twitter. HA! I knew that her delusions would probably lead me to somebody sane, and I was right. Thank you, Ronnie! :)
(Your comment about cradling your remote control - "precious" - made me laugh). LOL!
DeleteBy the end of last season I had lost interest and didn't pay much attention to the reunion show (I was travelling when it was on), but your comments about Mike Bickerton make me want to revisit those episodes. I didn't blog about it then and I'm not going to now, but it might be interesting to look at it again if I decide to blog about this season's reunion show.
The last blog I wrote about season 1 was more of a condemnation than a "recap" of episode 11 only because the day I wrote it happened to be World Day Against Child Labour. The glaring discrepancy between the excesses of that proverbial "1%" blowing 80 grand on a single birthday party that lasted a few hours for one man who needed nothing to begin with, against the backdrop of half starving children basically being tortured in sweatshops was too much for me to resist.
On one channel there we were being entertained by a bunch of rich people making fools of themselves while hemorrhaging money all over the place, and then with the mere click of a button we could bear witness to exploited children living in stark poverty whose entire lives and whole universe, including all the human beings that made up their universe, would have been altered in amazing ways if they had access to that same 80 grand that was used to throw a party for a man who was once on trial for murder. I am Canadian - I am a Leonard Cohen fan (the two should go hand in hand as far as I'm concerned) - so it seemed fitting to quote him in that particular blog post: Everybody knows the fit was fixed, the poor stay poor and the rich get rich: Lala musings: Real Housewives of Vancouver Episode 11
Also, for some reason I don't seem to get notifications if someone tweets to or about lalamusings directly. I rarely seem to get notifications of a new follower or of a retweet for that matter, so until recently I really had no idea Ronnie was doing that to me last year on twitter. I didn't even know she knew of my existence until a few weeks ago when I made a comment on the RHOV FB fan page and was viciously attacked on a personal level by some of her obvious followers (one of whom to my great delight, and I'm not being sarcastic, called me an "idot" which in the Urban Dictionary is the term idiots use to call people "idiots". Isn't that just so perfectly delicious! haha) :-)
Anyway, I was actually taken by surprise, especially since up until not that long ago it didn't feel like I was writing about "real" people. I was just blogging about a TV program I liked. I never imagined any of the "stars" of that TV program would ever notice my obscure blog: nothing but a speck of sand in the infinite virtual sea that is the internet. Never would I have thought that, but it turns out BC is actually a small province of citizens and there aren't all that many degrees of separation between us in the relative scheme of things.
To tell you the truth, had I known beforehand these TV personalities would notice what I was writing about them, I'm pretty sure I would not have started blogging about the show in the first place or at least I would have been more conscious about censoring myself, so in a way I'm glad I didn't know.
Ronnie Negus attacking Lala Musings on twitter, though? All she is doing is proving my point, so to her I say carry on, carry on... ;-)
I will be interested to hear what you think of last year's reunion if you get a chance to watch it. It was as infuriating as the show. Also, I think what happened to Ronnie's daughter was absolutely horrible and it must have been scary and heartbreaking, but there is something off about Ronnie's telling of the story during the reunion. Something just doesn't ring true there. I know something bad happened to her daughter, I'm not disputing that, but I don't think it happened the way that Ronnie described. The BS fumes were just too strong. I wouldn't even mention it if she weren't all about THE TRUTH on her twitter, though.
DeleteI don't know why I do this, but I read all of the drama on twitter and I must stop doing that to myself because my blood just boils. Anyway, apparently Ronnie is only getting worse because she is saying that Mary is being the bully by talking about how horrible everybody is to her (which she barely does, she usually is only answering other people saying such things, and only the people who say it respectfully) and apparently Amanda is saying that even though Mary posts tweets asking her fans not to get down in the mud with them and not to attack them, that since Mary doesn't 'unfriend' anybody (She is totally pulling that out of her a**) that she is condoning it. It really doesn't matter what Mary does, they WILL find a problem. I don't see her "unfriending" people who say cruel things about Mary, though. And Jody retweets some really vicious things that her fans say about Mary, but again, double standards and hypocrisy are the norm for these ladies.
Also Jody is saying that Mary was somehow involved with the (manufactured) threats she apparently received and made a police report about. Yeah, I can see Jody, the freakin' psychopath, getting somebody to text her threatening messages and then blaming it on Mary. She is very much capable of doing something like that. Even if it was one of Mary's fans, how is that coming from Mary? I just don't get these people. They are truly sick.
And then there's this horrible interview: “I don’t think anyone purposely tries to be malicious or gang up on anyone,” says Reynolds.
“Oh, yes they do,” says Mary. “When you go out and purposely decimate someone’s character... .”
Negus chimes in. “This is the pot calling the kettle black. When you have someone spreading lies about their store, that’s their livelihood.”
“Oh, Ronnie you’re the one who said it,” Zilba shoots back.
http://www.vancouversun.com/touch/story.html?id=7907417
So now Ronnie is on Jody's side regarding Mary talking about a rumor she heard from Ronnie???? It's crazy. How do they continue to get away with so many lies and so much hypocrisy and all the double standards? I agree with one of the commenters below that Lark is absolutely in on the bullying and I think the only way Mary is going to be able to fight back is to quit the show, unfortunately. She just can't win and the only thing left to do is to remove herself from the situation because these horrible people have the production company behind them and Mary has absolutely nobody but her fans on her side, which really isn't enough when dealing with psychopaths who have untreated personality disorders.
Sorry if I babbled and ranted a little too much in this reply, but I have a hard time dealing with how unfair it all is and I feel safe here. Hope I didn't overstep. Maybe I AM that gollum I'm so afraid of being. (Glad that made you laugh, btw. :) )
No, no - you didn't overstep anything. It was interesting to read! I share your incredulity. The injustice of this entire situation is maddening. Those ridiculous women are just DEAD WRONG. If Mary is bullied off the show rather than Jody extracted from the show I'm going to be hugely disheartened. I don't think I'd be able to keep watching. It's just too disgusting.
DeleteThese women are manipulators (I want to say "master" manipulators but I don't think they deserve to have the word "master" attached to ANYTHING they do), and at least one of them has the traits of a borderline personality disorder, one definitely fits into the sociopath definition and they all are idealizing and devaluing, which are psychological mechanisms people use when when they are unable to integrate difficult feelings, especially about themselves, and have to overcome what they perceive as an unbearable situation.
The reason this situation with regards to the Housewives and their treatment of Mary is "unbearable" (excluding the sociopath since sociopaths don't have a conscience)is because it creates cognitive dissonance.
There is no way any rational, self-aware person with a conscience cannot see the way these women are treating and trying to portray Mary Zilba is, as I said, DEAD WRONG. The proof does not support their portrayal. So this then causes cognitive dissonance which is a feeling of psychological discomfort when a person holds two or more conflicting beliefs. A part of Ronnie's brain, for example, knows perfectly well what she is doing is unfair and unscrupulous and that's not a nice feeling to have about yourself. So she has to rationalize, minimize or ignore what she knows is true in order to reduce her cognitive discomfort, basically so she can feel self-righteous and good about herself - so she can live with herself.
I don't know that the same can be said about Jody, however. She doesn't even care if her lies are easily disproved. She is one of those kind of liars who will tell you right to your face it is sunny outside when you are BOTH standing outside in the rain. You point to the sky and to the puddles accumulating around you, confused, and say, "No, you're mistaken, it's raining." But she insists without batting an eye and with rainwater dripping down her face, "No, it's sunny." You cannot argue with that kind of denial. You just can't. It's like trying to argue with a cult member who has been brainwashed or a fundamentalist who has been strongly indoctrinated from birth. There is no point in trying to change them, BUT there is definitely a point in exposing them to other rational people.
I mean, that whole thing with her clothing store and trying to sue Mary for wondering aloud as others were (Mary wasn't even the original person to say it!)And then when it came out - from Jody's own mouth no less! - that the clothes were INDEED second hand (even though she used the euphemism "vintage") Jody did not seem ashamed or worried in any way whatsoever that she JUST admitted her own deception for all the world (or at least for those of us who follow the show) to witness.
Anyway, coming from a "babbler" myself, I do thoroughly enjoy your "babble" and thank you for this interesting info about twitter. I'll probably stay away from that myself because it'll just drive me too crazy. I don't know how they can hang themselves out like that - they are braver people than me! :-)
Great blog, I remember when bravo was a about promoting art and culture. Now they promote and reward bullying.
ReplyDeleteThanks Marc :-)
DeleteI still don't know if I think Bravo is "promoting" bullying per se. Is it doing that or is it simply showing us what it thinks we want to see for no other reason than profit? If that's true then maybe viewers really do have an opportunity here to effect some sort of social change or at least help nudge us in the right direction.
The right direction would hopefully eventually lead us towards the eradication of cruelty (in all its forms) from our species...then maybe we could work on our other pressing problems - which I think an argument could be made are the RESULT of human cruelty & greed - such as global overpopulation and the possibly fatal impact of human activity on the environmental health of the planet and thus on our own continued survival...ugh...such high hopes for such lowbrow entertainment. I think I'm the delusional one now. ;-)
You are my HERO Lala. A beautifully articulated, thoughtful piece. I too love my RHofalmostanything. I work hard and sometimes I just want to be entertained but these season 2 RHOV episodes are making me uncomfortable, really uncomfortable. I am personally dumbfounded by what I see on the screen and what I then continue to read online. Ronnie's on a tear to hurt Mary yet again asking for a blogger to help you tell the TRUTH. Wasn't it just a month ago that Ronnie was all love and light and FORGIVENESS and God and... Why in the world would you go after someone with such intent to hurt them?
ReplyDeleteI hope the producers/directors and Slice.ca really take stock of whst they're promoting here and we the audience have to take stock of what we stand for and what we will ultimately support.
Thanks again Lala. Well done!
Such a wonderful comment, Jacqueline - thank you! :-)
DeleteI couldn't agree more with you and you make a good point about Ronnie starting out this season with "love, light and forgiveness". She nearly had me fooled. I was even starting to like her, ESPECIALLY when she saw through Amanda.
You know, it's kind of a shame that she can't seem to suppress her nasty side and abandon this unhealthy preoccupation with unfairly maligning Mary, because I do think Ronnie MUST have some admirable qualities us viewers don't often get to see if for no other reason than Mary called her "friend" for a long time. It's usually a pretty fair indication of a person's decent nature when she or he is able to maintain long-term friendships.
This whole business between Ronnie and Mary then is really too bad. It really is. I am not a complete nihilist however - I do believe that as long as we're breathing there is a possibility, no matter how slight, that we can change for the better. It's unlikely, but it's still possible.
Thanks again for your insight and kind words! :-)
Beautiful Blog. This show should be light, fluffy and fun. Instead it is contrived and contorted into one fight after another....for "the drama". It's sad really. Slice has lost me as a viewer...until this "woman's network" stops hating women so blatently.
ReplyDeleteMerci beaucoup Jennifer! :-)
DeleteI don't mind the contrived drama so much, although I wish it could be a little LESS obvious that there are story editors at least partially involved in this "reality" program. It's sort of like seeing the boom mike bobbing around at the top of the screen in some badly produced film. It ruins the escapism entertainment media is supposed to provide.
But this episode of RHOV wasn't really "entertaining" drama was it? This was, like you said, sad to watch. Mary really does come across as a lovely human being in this series and I don't care how her detractors spin it - she does NOT deserve this abuse. No one does.
I think there is a smidgeon of hope that Ronnie could one day see the error of her ways, but Jody and her spawn? Actually, that's not fair, of the few minutes we saw her son I thought he was awesome. On the other hand, I am not a strong proponent of the accuracy of first impressions. But in any case, we should leave children out of this.
Mia, though, is not a child. I have heard first-hand accounts (I have younger sisters close enough to Mia's age, two of whom run in the same circles) that in "real life" Mia is just as she appears on TV. One of those sisters, incidentally, also met Mary and said MARY was just as lovely and genuine in person as she comes across on TV. So I don't know how much weight you can put on that, but I think my sisters and their friends are pretty good judges of character.
I also think you make a very, very good point, Jennifer, about the televised and in some ways glorified hatred of women we keep getting bombarded with in popular culture.
I cannot of course resist bringing up the recent sorry display of Seth Macfarlane at the 2013 Oscars and the accompanying tweet made by the Onion where a 9-year-old girl, Quvenzhané Wallis, was called the c-word. I still find it utterly revolting and hard to believe that such blatant misogyny and child exploitation was deemed appropriate, even if only for a millisecond, long enough to tweet in any event, in the first place.
None of it was in ANY WAY entertaining (to me) and this is coming from someone who adores satire and knows what it is. But then again I am, unfortunately, a female so that's probably the reason I didn't find it amusing or "cute" or funny, since, in case you haven't heard, not only are most women not funny, but they aren't too bright either: Lala musings: Women Aren't Funny?
Anyway, enough of my lala babble - thanks again for your comments and excellent point!
Lala
I don't mind some story editing either....this series with this production team is too focused on the catfights. I really doubt very much that Mary even wanted to go to this dinner. I think what is bothering me most about this season, is that production has become an active participant in the bullying. I was really disappointed that they brought Jody back this year, but to bring her back and give her another ally? really makes me shake my head.
DeleteWhat you've heard about Mia doesn't surprise me. You have to feel a bit sorry for her in a way though, I mean with a mother like that, what were her chances of turning out decent?
Oh you are so right! I didn't think of it that way, but now that you've pointed it out it does seem that production is being an active participant in this. It does. It does in the same way it did when I read some of the "professional" writing on this topic, such as the two articles I mention in the above blog post.
DeleteDana Gee is a woman too. It bugs more me more than anything when women don't stick up for other women (who are being unfairly attacked). They used to do this kind of thing overtly right on public radio and television.
It has always been socially acceptable to openly bully, demean and otherwise ABUSE women in the public sphere and apparently it still is.
Women not sticking up for other women drives me crazy too. I think it all goes back to the first couple lines of your blog. Reflected back at us, our culture/society is pretty sick at the moment.
DeleteI am reassured, somewhat, that not everyone is on the sidelines cheering. Actually, anyone I know who watches the show is pretty horrified by Mary's treatment, but then I'm surrounded by women who support each other. Women who celebrate with you, talk you down from ledges, give you a little back up when you need it. Women Slice doesn't understand or think exist I guess.
I too am reassured. My heart swells with happiness and hope whenever I hear about human beings banding together and revolting against oppression, like the recent protests in India over that brutally fatal Delhi gang rape, Arab Spring, the more local Idle No More movement, and the incredible story of Malala Yousafzai: Lala musings: Malala Yousafzai: The Girl Effect
DeleteI do realize, by the way, that I'm leaving myself open to biting criticism by making some sort of connection between what is happening around a reality TV show and what are hugely significant events occurring on the world stage. In my defence, however, I do believe all this human behaviour springs from a common place.
Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all connected like tributaries of the same vein to each other, to the planet, and even to the universe beyond. What happens to one person happens to everyone and what happens to one region of the globe happens to the entire globe. The sooner every member of the human race understands that, the better off everyone will be.
If we don't stop being so reckless towards each other and towards the planet, there will be no more us. There might still be a planet, but there will be no people. The planet doesn't need us to survive but we sure as hell need it: Lala musings: The Pestilent Human
Ohh Lala....thank you thank you thank you!!! I have been reading other commentaries and blogs regarding RHOV, and I would like to say that I'm a relatively intelligent person,but I kept asking myself if all these people were watching the same episode I was?!? The completely called for attacks on Mary..like when she first walked in and Jody pulled up some story from 20 years ago! Really? That was necessary for what reason?
ReplyDeleteThis has honestly been the best blog I have read dealing with RHOV and it is so wonderful to know that someone else in the world saw the same episode I did! Excellent writing and thank you for sharing this with us!
It is such a relief to read comments like yours, Cathy, so thank you! It gives me faith that I am not in fact sharing the planet with a bunch of delusional nut-jobs who are incapable of correctly interpreting information they process through their own senses.
DeleteI also completely identify with your bewilderment over how anyone can rationalize the way Mary was mistreated in this episode. Isn't it amazing what human beings are capable of excusing? Isn't it amazing, too, how people will castigate in others what they tolerate and even glorify in themselves?
I cannot identify with cruelty. I just do not understand how people who inflict pain on vulnerable creatures can live with themselves. I do not get it. My mind is not designed that way.
I however do not consider it cruel to mock the self-created or willful human folly of non-vulnerable people who prey on others. So while I might mock Jody's interesting sense of Fraggle-Rock-with-a-tiara "style", Ronnie's intentionally pretentious way of speaking, or Amanda's parading around as an AA convert(she has never actually said she's in AA, but her rhetoric strongly implies it), you won't read me making fun of Mia's nose before she got the nose job, for example, unlike a lot of comments I've read.
I want to say I also try not to make snarky comments about single motherhood or how many different men have fathered one woman's children because I think it undermines the shared struggle of my "sisters" - hey, if you're female, you're a feminist by default as far as I'm concerned. I would LIKE to make this claim, but I think I may have been guilty of this particular kind of snarkiness last season. But since I too am human and weak to the same hypocrisy as any human being I think I should be forgiven :-)
Anyway, to carry on with my babble, I had the unpleasant experience of watching a documentary very late the other night at like 2 o'clock in the morning about Einsatzgruppen, which were death squads deployed by the Nazis to perform mass shootings of Jews into pre-dug mass graves. It turned out to be an "inefficient" way to implement the "final solution" or annihilation of the Jews, however, and eventually led to the much more "effective" concentration camps.
DeleteIn the meantime, though, these massacres took place. After they shot a grave's worth of human beings, they'd top up this pit of bodies with dirt and go on their merry way to the next killing. It was reported by eye witnesses that those graves "heaved" making the ground move for days afterwards. People were buried alive in there. Not every shot was a fatal one.
This documentary even included raw film footage of one of these Einsatzgruppen. I felt so emotional watching it that the tears came unabated. This is me watching something that happened over half a century ago from the safety of my own home in a democratic country at peace (at least in its own land). What must have it been like to actually be there and witness it or worse, be a victim of it?
The brutality is beyond comprehension and while I have purposely resisted the temptation to fulfill Godwin's law of Nazi Analogies when blogging about RHOV, in this case I'm caving in.
As far-fetching as it sounds, I believe the bullying/cruelty we saw in this episode of RHOV is an offshoot of the same capacity for cruelty that had no problem shooting entire groups of innocent human beings in the head, as if they were nothing more than a bullseye at a target practice, and then burying them in an enormous heap while some were still breathing. In the footage they acted as though they were doing nothing more serious than organizing a garden party and planting tulip bulbs in the ground. There are no words that could do justice to the horror of this.
With regards to the The Real Housewives of Vancouver then, it would seem in this episode we Homo sapiens have been shown a snippet of our residual, maladaptive cruelty and it turns out, many of us do not like it - THAT my friend gives me hope :-)
Thanks so much for putting my feelings in words. I felt sick watching the last episode of this series and like you cannot believe, in the wake of the recent teen suicide in our city, that the producers of this show would continue with this disgusting story line. I loved the way you showed the bullying roles of each character and identified the bystanders. I can only hope that they all read this article and are truly appalled when they recognize themselves. Great article and so very well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rae, and you're right - it IS disgusting. It would feel like a victory, though, if these Reality stars would open their eyes to what society is reflecting back to them and make the appropriate adjustments to their character, especially Ronnie, who as I keep saying I don't think is a totally lost cause. She just has to readjust her perspective.
DeleteAmanda could use a readjustment, too, but she has her own agenda. She is going out of her way to manipulate fans and it's putting blinders - or is it balaclavas - on her point of view.
I read somewhere or other, I think in an interview with Ronnie, that Amanda went into RHOV with the INTENT to cause as much controversy as she possibly could because she was advised it would be the best way to get "invited" back for another season, something Amanda wants as badly as she wants to "look like a starving person". Sorry, I know I keep bringing that particular comment up, but I just can't get past it in an age when we're trying to empower our girls with positive body self-images and instill in them their worth goes much deeper than their outward appearance alone.
Jody though? I think it would take much more than a simple readjustment to correct HER perspective. We're talking frigg'in lobotomy here. Kidding. ;-)
Well after all the bullying (and my daughter is also being bullied in school) Mary has still posted NOT to bash anyone from the show. She is nothing but class and clearly stands by her beliefs which I applaud her for. Bravo Mary, and Bravo for writting this article. I may not be nearly as sweet as Mary, as anyone who hurts my child either physiciall or verbally has to suffer the rath of myself. I like like nothing more than to jump in my car and drive to Vancouver and stand beside Mary and let the others DARE to bully her in front of me! Yes they too would suffer the rath of me and Mary would truly indeed have a friend that is not two faced!
ReplyDeleteI don't believe reciprocating in kind, i.e. bashing the basher, is the way to go either. It doesn't work. It doesn't fix the problem, all it does is give the original bully an excuse to keep bullying and to now feel justified while doing it. People tend to look at the effect and not the cause.
DeleteI feel the same way about using violence to deal with violence or spanking a child to deal with childhood aggression. It doesn't even make common sense to do any of that when you think about it.
On the other hand, I do not see anything wrong with holding an asshole up to ridicule using his or her own behaviour and words to do it. It's both effective AND gratifying, not to mention fun :-)
@maryzilba #Truthbetold! #SAYTHAT
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful for this article.
You have quite masterfully, articulated the role of the bully, bystander, victim and the overall social behaviours and consequences to society. #BRAVO #RHOV
I'm guessing there is a BC, MA or Phd at work? ...would love to know :) My Twitter @laurayake
This weeks edition of WE Vancouver is a sneak peek into why Mary is involved in the show.
I would like to extend an invitation for you to attend a viewing fundraiser party with Mary-I know she would love to meet you. Tuesday March, 12th at SIP RESTO Lounge on Granville, 8:00 pm.
PhD? No :-) If I was that impressive I probably would have neither the time nor inclination to write about RHOV in the first place, unless I was working on a Thesis, which this might very well be an interesting case study for something like that. I am also honoured by your invitation, but I'm not that brave. I never could do what Mary does, so I will continue to admire her from afar from the safety of my obscurity. Thank you, though, for your encouraging words and for supporting the anti-bully movement! Cheers!
DeleteAgain, awesome post. I read it three times since yesterday as I think you have dissected bulling very well. I was never bullied myself in school. There were a few unsuccessful attempts to bully me at work, but I find it extremely helpful to tell people how I feel when they attempt it, in a non-threatening way. I try and stay humble while speaking my point of view and use "I" language and it's quite amazing how disarming it can be - even with the worst of bullies. If you attempt to face aggression with aggression (which I have done many times) it puts them on the defense - as where I think the goal is to disarm them. My advice for Mary or anyone would be (although the shooting is done) to stay very calm when facing violence, and try to breathe and actually feel your feelings. Usually the moment I start feeling my feelings I feel empowered to say what is going on in the moment. At first it is difficult and muddy, but staying in the moment helps (this is not suggesting staying in a situation that makes you feel very uncomfortable e.g. the dinner). Sometimes it helps to tell people the way they are speaking to you makes you feel intimidated and uncomfortable and be very specific with the 'I" language. My best weapon has also been revealing my feelings - e.g. if I feel like crying - I cry. I have cried in very intense situations and it really diffuses the situation. People need to see when they are hurting you. And I don't mean just tearing up, but crying. Plus when I can have my feelings I think better. Also - never generalize. Never say "You always". Address the situation with the current example. Anyways - the others should really build a spine and stand up for Mary. I try to be brave and stand up for others and in the moment it's hard and my stomach bursts...but it feels awesome looking back. Anyways - you have a knack for this and I encourage you to keep standing up for Mary by writing on this topic in the context of #RHOV.
ReplyDeleteThank you Aleksandra :-)
DeleteI wasn't really "bullied" as a kid either, but growing up we moved around a lot. In grade 11 to grade 12 alone I went to four different high schools and I am in no way an extroverted person. So it was difficult for me for other reasons that didn't necessarily include bullying. I did experience some sexual harassment, however, although I don't think I would have articulated it that way at the time.
I'll tell you something that happened with my 8-year-old son a couple weeks ago, though, during ANTI-BULLYING week at his school no less. Now, just to preface this, from the moment DJ was born I've always considered him a "gentle giant". He is a "big boy" (not obese, just big) who towers over other boys his age. He also has a fabulous sense of humour and irony, but is also something of an "empath" which is defined as someone gifted/cursed in sensing and experiencing the emotions of those around him.
Just to give you an example, the first time he heard K.D. Lang's rendition of Cohen's Hallelujah from the opening ceremonies at the the 2010 Winter Olympics, he was so moved it brought him to tears. He was 5. That's just one example. I've never seen a child react the way he does to both human beauty and human suffering. Sometimes it concerns me that he will be mistreated and not stick up for himself because of this "weakness" (and I know empathy shouldn't be considered a weakness, but around a bully it certainly might be).
Anyway, this brings me to my story:
A day after the fact, DJ, whose only been in his new school for a couple months now, let me know in an offhand kind of way like it was nothing, like he forgot his library book or something, that another kid had punched him in the head in computer lab. They hadn't been fighting, DJ didn't do anything to instigate it and neither did he retaliate. The other kid told him to bend his head down, DJ did and, wham this little asshole punched him.
DeleteHannah, my 6-year-old daughter, who was sitting beside DJ in the back of the car at the time, piped up in a voice filled with disbelief, "Ah, why'd you listen to him and bend over?"
I mean, it was a good question, but the last thing DJ thought the other kid, who he had considered a friend up to that point, was going to do was assault him.
As soon as we got home I phoned the principal annoyed and also worried DJ was being bullied and not sticking up for himself. Plus, no phone call? No note? No communication from the school whatsoever about this incident that had apparently occurred over 24 hours previously?? Maybe I wasn’t getting the full story from DJ; actually I WASN’T getting the whole story from him, as he quickly became irritated by my questioning and refused to give me any satisfactory answers. Was he somehow culpable in this? What the hell was going on here?
When I finally got the principal himself on the phone, however, I was "reassured", if you can call it that, that not only was DJ completely innocent of any wrong-doing, when he (the principal) had both boys in his office to talk about what had transpired and the other kid tried downplaying the whole thing, DJ absolutely stuck up for himself.
DJ told the other boy off if he said something that wasn't true, but he did it in an almost adult like fashion: his voice stern, loud and clear, but not to the point of yelling. He did not cry, resort to name-calling or exaggerate his own side. He simply called the other kid out on any bullshit. The principal was impressed at how well DJ handled himself but emphasized they were taking the situation "very seriously" and made up some bogus excuse why no one had as yet contacted us.
Anyway, what a cool kid my boy is: not only did he not make a big show out of how hurt he was, rat out the juvenile delinquent who punched him (a teacher noticed DJ off to the side curled over holding his head in obvious pain), or hit back (which he could have, because as I’ve said he's a “big” boy) - he also appropriately and effectively stuck up for himself when the time called for it.
After the whole story finally came out (and I'm leaving out bits since this again is getting way too long) I told DJ firstly he needs to tell an adult if something like this ever happens again and secondly how proud I was of him over how well he handled himself, adding, "It's tough being a kid sometimes, hey?"
To which he calmly replied without hesitation and with that signature kind smile of his which just exudes empathy, "It's tough being an adult too, mom". As my dad (an interesting “character” in his own right, you have no idea) would say: "too cool." :-)
(Some of my “replies” are turning out so long-winded, they alone could be their own blog posts!)
what really bothers me the most about this show is that people are RARELY called out for things they do themselves yet are more than willing to call Mary out... how many of them HAVEN'T had some plastic surgery or filler, etc... and yet Mary is the only one who gets accused of it? How many times in the first season did Jody flat out LIE when Mary confronted her about something she had said which was ON TAPE (saying something about putting Mary's head in a toilet)???
ReplyDeleteThe show is engineered to make Jody and Ronnie look like the bad guys and Mary the victim... I really hope that these women aren't like this in real life. It would make me very sad, and a sad reflection of society. Though, having actually met Jody IRL, I know she is a snobby, rude woman, so I guess it's quite possible they are exactly as they are portrayed.
Not to mention Jody's "fashion show" last year to debut Mia's "new line" that she worked and slaved so hard on....which turns out was stolen from Blaque Label. These dummy's actually had a fashion show, passed the clothes off as Mia's designs when in reality they stole them. Why that isn't a story line this year is beyond me....it'd be a pretty interesting one.
Deletehttp://vancouveritemarco.wordpress.com/2013/01/23/more-claman-lies-missing-in-action-clothing-line-aka-blaque-label/
I forgot about that, Jennifer, but it's one GLARING example of how it is Jody - you know, the woman who keeps proclaiming how much integrity she has almost as often as Amanda proclaims what an alcoholic she (Amanda) is - who is the liar, not Mary. Here's your link live. Thanks for that! More Claman Lies? Missing in Action Clothing Line? AKA Blaque Label
DeleteI totally hear what you're saying, Jaime S: the hypocrisy of some of these ladies is especially obscene. And while there is no denying there's an element of stupid rather than intelligent design at work here, I do think we're getting a concentrated, in some cases heavily biased version of reality, but still reality nonetheless.
DeleteGood assessment of that terrible roasting of Mary Zilba. This poor woman is not a piranha, and does not have the evil stuff that Jody Clamn is made of. Mary wanted to tactfully leave a very I uncomfortable situation and I can't say I blame her.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. I just read an interview with Jody that makes it abundantly clear she does not see anything wrong whatsoever with how she harasses Mary and in fact feels perfectly self-righteous about it. It was sort of like reading something Eva Braun might have written defending her adoration for Hitler. It's impossible for those living outside such denial to comprehend how these people can actually think this way.
DeleteHi Lala - I just want to say thank you! You crafted my feelings in your piece as well. RHOV is giving me a headache this year, it's just so far over the top. I can't help watching it as I'm just so horrified for Mary. She's not done or said a single thing that justifies what's happening there. Ronnie seems to live in nunuland, Amanda seems to have replaced drinking with rage-aholism, and Jody is just so far past bizarre (and not in a good way) that I hope for her sake that her revolting behaviour is scripted. And I hope Mary is being paid well. And my heart goes out to Mary, because even if she's being well paid for this, I'm not sure it's worth it. Thank you for putting all that into words so eloquently.
ReplyDeleteThat's a pretty fair synopsis vanlisl! Agreed. I don't really have a "problem" with anything on the show other than one thing (and I still look at it as just a show unlike Ronnie who I've heard is literally going after fans that are vocal about disliking her "character" or the part she plays, which is just SO RIDICULOUS -it's reality TV - don't go on the show if you can't handle the attention! Geesh). The ONE thing that does bother me is Jody's relentless bullying of Mary for really no reason other than stuff she just makes up or because Slice tells her to do it or whatever the true reason is behind the harassing behaviour. It simply IS NOT entertaining. It's cruel and I don't like watching that part.
DeleteI don't even mind Ronnie's "meanness" EVEN THOUGH she is actually calling me (Lala) names on twitter which again is RIDICULOUS. Ronnie strikes me as a vulnerable person who is acting out like a hurt child. I therefore cannot completely despise her "character" or the role she is playing. At least Ronnie does come around every once in a while and, like I keep saying, Mary has been friends with her off and on over the years so that furthermore tells me Ronnie is not entirely "bad" - or if she does have "bad periods" they don't last forever. Still, that is an exhausting kind of person to be around. You never know when they will suddenly turn on you.
Jody on the other hand? Total sociopath (at least as her character appears on RHOV - although I've heard some first-hand accounts as well as read some other stuff about Jody off camera that would indicate she may very well be the terrible person in "real life" that we see on the show so who knows...)
Thanks for commenting!
Cheers :-) Lala
Lala. Thank you for bringing some sanity to a show that has turned into one of the most painful and infuriating social commentaries on TV. Having recently quit my job precisely due to four years of bullying by women exactly like Jody and Mia, your blog provides some respite and hope that society has not gone to hell in a hand basket. A few thoughts on these "women". I get the sense that somehow Ronnie is struggling with a lot of guilt and self blame (partially b/c of Remy and perhaps also her marriage?. Hence the drinking/Ativan and lashing out at the one friend she knows will not fight back.
DeleteI also think Jody uses Jedi mind tricks on Ronnie when she's out of it and manipulates her already fragile mind/memory. Heck she openly tries to turn people against Mary. I truly think Jody and Mia are desperate and will go to any lengths to keep the illusion of wealth and lifestyle from the numerous comments I've read about Jody and Mia's less than pure lifestyle and dealings around town (Even her son Josh called Mia dirty in one of the episodes. By the way Josh seems like a good kid and I worry that he might get teased or bullied at Ryerson for his mom and sisters bad behavior. Hannah the littlest one is also watching these female "role models". I'm afraid for her.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your point of view! :-)
DeleteJosh did seem like a good kid, but then again we only saw him a few minutes in total, although it IS possible to get a sense of someone's true nature or character in a short period of time - I say "possible" but it's not always possible and it's not always correct, in any event; the accuracy of a character assessment is largely dependent on the intuition and skill of the person doing the assessing. Human beings, despite all the "low self-esteem/low self-confidence" hype tend to over-estimate their abilities, not under-estimate them. How often do you hear someone claim, "I'm a really good judge of character," when frankly he or she is NOT? (Such as Amanda claiming Robin has bad judgment or that Mary is "evil").
I think this is why I love the Real Housewives reality series, because it provides a studiable portrait of human motive and behavior in action (even allowing for the obviously scripted aspects of the program).
And while it is not always easy to correctly peg other people, whether those people are acting out their lives on TV or not, it is extremely difficult, maybe even impossible, to peg oneself. I think this is partially why we see so much infuriating hypocrisy amongst the "wives" who are often utterly self-unaware (and this self-unawareness again is something I would argue we all have to a certain degree - it isn't restricted to rich women making a public spectacle of themselves).
One of my favorite quotes from Memoirs of a Geisha (if you haven't read it, I highly recommend you do so) is this:
“Autobiography, if there really is such a thing, is like asking a rabbit to tell us what he looks like hopping through the grasses of the field. How would he know? If we want to hear about the field on the other hand, no one is in a better circumstance to tell us-so long as we keep in mind that we are missing all those things the rabbit was in no position to observe. ” :-)
Hi again. I appreciate your point of view and I think you're quite astute. I am one of those who thinks they are a good judge of character and situations, if I may explain. Since childhood I have been a very "sensitive" individual what some would call an empath in the truest sense of the word.
DeleteI have always intuited a person's true character, or read situations correctly from the first instant, even when on the surface all evidence is contrary to my assessment and the masses have a different opinion. It almost always turned out I was correct. At work this skill/gift(?) often made people think I had inside information because my evaluations were so acute and my predictions of people and direction of company always happened exactly as I stated. For what it's worth I can read micro-expressions even if at a subconscious level which helps me immensely, however where I have failed in utilizing this skill properly is by constantly giving people the benefit of the doubt or making excuses for their behavior (their childhood was rough, they grew up in a bubble so don't know better etc.)because my mind can not (or will not) accept that people can be so bad. Also on the other hand there is a huge element of lack of faith in myself and I fear that if I am wrong I will have labelled a person incorrectly. Obviously with age will come wisdom - I hope ;-)
Back to Josh. I think he is his mother's child and will always be loyal to her and blind to her faults. Very possible that he has picked up some of Jody and Mia's personality and one can only hope that being away will help him acquire a wider perspective on life, appropriate social behaviors etc.
It's always great reading your blogs and I wish that I could express myself in words as you do!
Cheers ;-)
I think you're selling yourself short - you've done an eloquent and articulate job of expressing yourself here (with excellent grammar and spelling to boot!) and I'm sure you do the same elsewhere in your life. Must be that lack of faith in yourself you refer to ;-)
DeleteI'm a little different than you in that I do accept people can be "bad" and that they can be born that way, but I don't necessarily feel all those who are "bad" (and I guess "bad" could be a relative term, but I'm thinking "bad" in a sadistic/psychotic/sociopathic sense) have a lot of "control" over themselves, any more than a bear or a cougar, for example, has control over its instincts when confronted with a human it feels threatened by in the wilderness, again for example.
And if you don't have control over yourself then I actually think it is inhumane to then seek revenge or exact torture on the "bad" person. Don't get me wrong, I do think society has to do something about the "bad" people - they need to be stopped, contained, medicated, counselled, rehabilitated,(and maybe one day there will literally be a cure for sadism/"evil" humans) and in some cases terminated. But I don't think we should necessarily take the way we are treated by "bad" people "personally" any more than we would take the bear who mauls a wayward hiker personally. It's their nature. To a large extent you can't help what you are. Much of free will is an illusion.
Anyway, that is a completely different topic. I do love my tangents. It must be my nature ;-)
Thanks again for sharing your insight. I enjoy your comments! :-)
Ronnie is losing it...she's called you (Lala) demonic. Seriously of all that's been written you've been the most thoughtful. Ronnie needs to step away from this and get herself mentally healthy for herself and her family. Yes, she was traumatized by what happened but Remy lived! There are other accounts of what happened that night that I've gotten personally from people close to Ronnie and her family. I will not go on record to say what has been told to me as I cannot be 100% sure that what is being said is true (I was not there). Ronnie you need to be careful about going on and on about revealing the "TRUTH" about Mary if you yourself have truths you'd rather not tell the world. I wish you the best and hope you are really not who you appear to be on tv, facebook and twitter.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting Jacqueline. :-) I appreciate the info and also your viewpoint!
DeleteI did hear last night that Ronnie tweeted I (or really my "alter ego, Lala") was "demonic". I also recently found out she was doing the same thing last season, tweeting that I was a "bully" - ME! Totally preposterous! LOL! - and that I was "evil".
I had no idea she was doing that and I'm glad I didn't because I probably would not have kept blogging about the show had I known. Now though? Now, it's so absurd it's nothing but sport to me :-) {Other than the horrid way Mary is being treated of course.}
I still haven't had a chance to watch episode 6 but I read a pretty good recap this afternoon so I have a general idea.
Anyway, I share your hope that Ronnie is not who she appears on TV, social networking sites, twitter etc. All she is doing is making herself look bad and oh…proving Lala Musings right. Haha! ;-)
THANK YOU FOR THIS POST! I had just discussed with a girlfriend how uncomfortable and unsettling the second of RHOV has left me feeling. I have watched every franchise of the Real Housewives and find the bullying to be intolerable in Vancouver. You stated everything I have been feeling eloquently and in-depth. I am SICKENED by the lack of media attention to the obvious beatdown Mary is being subjected to and the positive reinforcement the other ladies are receiving for their behaviour. I too have been confused and wondered if bloggers have been watching the same episodes.
ReplyDeleteWhy aren't more news outlets reporting this? RHOV has gone too far and we're only 5 episodes in. I have never felt anxiety over a television show and believe we need to stop rewarding these women with ratings.
I agree Jess and thanks for sharing your thoughts! But you know what? I just watched episode 6: Lala musings: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF VANCOUVER: DEMONS, ANGELS & THE WICKED WITCH OF WEST VAN and Mary does a GREAT job of not only sticking up for herself, but of exposing her bullies for the fools they are. She does this by remaining relatively calm, pointing out non sequiturs and inconsistencies and having a sense of humour about how absurd and irrational these bullies really ARE.
DeleteSadly this kind of 'stuff' really rakes in the ratings, right? I'm no stranger to reality tv and the other thing I've observed which is really sad and troubling to say the least is the portrayal of friendship these shows offer. If the audience is mature enough, sure, one can obviously see that that's not what REAL friendships are. However, for the younger audience who really don't know any better, teenagers especially, I'm afraid they might think it's all about status, getting ahead, throwing someone under the bus, back stabbing and that it's all okay 'cos one is just 'being brutally honest', or 'tough'. People seem to forget to be plain decent first and foremost.
ReplyDeleteYes, it really DOES rake in the ratings. It seems we are still not completely free of the "barbarism" (to use your word) from our humanoid past; although, if you've read anything from Steven Pinker, professor of psychology at Harvard University, he makes a compelling case that we are, contrary to what many think, living in the most peaceable/least violent time of our existence thus far - of what is known of our (i.e. Homo sapiens) existence anyway.
DeleteSo, maybe it's not all hopeless and the public outcry over the sensationalizing of bullying in this particular episode of RHOV might be a good sign that we're continuing to move in the right direction towards an increasingly more peaceful world and species....okay, okay...
...I MIGHT be going a TAD too far with my idealizing of reality TV, I admit it. I think I'm just trying to make myself feel better about being such an avid follower. Ha! ;-)
Anyway, thanks for sharing your insight, Joy, and for bringing up a great point about how these shows do a poor job of role-modelling healthy friendships for the younger viewing crowd. :-)
Great Blog. Thank you for so eloquently reflecting my own sentiments on the disgraceful treatment of Mary. RHOV should be renamed "How Not To Behave In A Civilised Society". x
ReplyDeleteIt should at least be a tagline. :-)
ReplyDeleteI do think Mary at least handles herself in a civilized manner, even when she does get a chance to throw a few insults back, which contrary to what I've been reading from some other people, absolutely is NOT the same thing as "bullying". Sticking up for yourself, putting a bully in her or his place, and holding a bully's own words and actions up to ridicule is NOT itself bullying - it's justice. Some quotes:
Justice consists not in being neutral between right and wrong, but in finding out the right and upholding it, wherever found, against the wrong.~ Theodore Roosevelt
In matters of truth and justice, there is no difference between large and small problems, for issues concerning the treatment of people are all the same.~ Albert Einstein
In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousand fold in the future. When we neither punish nor reproach evildoers, we are not simply protecting their trivial old age, we are thereby ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations. ~ Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Anyway, Sue, I appreciate your comments and thanks for stopping by!
Cheers :-)
Thank you Lala. I hope many more people read your blog as it's a reminder to us all to remain alert and speak out against the bullies whenever and whereever they reveal themselves. Oh BTW your son sounds awesome just like his Mama :))
DeleteAww, what a sweet thing to say :-) Thank you!
DeleteHow can the producers let this go on? The bullying of Mary Zilba. I am so dismayed that this is considered entertainment. These women all would benefit from creating a compassionate loving relationship with themselves. I see projection of past pains all over everyone. There is something that is incomplete in Mary's life that has her keep coming back for more pain. Some unforgiveness for herself or unmet need from childhood that has her coming back to the flames? A couple of years ago I went to the Hoffman Process, Carl Jung based self love work, and I heard a saying there that may be very fitting. "Every where I go, mommy and daddy I see" meaning we are all children desperately trying to get our unmet needs from childhood met. Compassion for all of the women. They all need to know that they are worthy of unconditional love. The way to get there is by working through their anger towards past pains, in a healthy way. Then through the sorrow of not being loved and taken care of as children. Then to forgiveness of those who weren't able to care for them and let them down. This will set them free. I know because I have experienced it and seen many people experience this freedom first hand. Sending peace, love and joy to all of the women on ROHV. May you be brave and courageous, face what pains you have had in the past and feel the peace that unconditional self love of your pure self brings.
ReplyDeleteNot only do they "let" it go on, it is very possible they are intentionally encouraging the bullying, aided with a little creative editing. You might even go so far as to say "they" are nurturing the bullying or helping it along by purposely putting the wives in situations where the bullying is likely to occur, which so far seems pretty much any scene that has Mary in it.
DeleteBut remember, if "they" (meaning the network) are going out of their way to provide viewers front row seats to what essentially is "the bully effect", it's because they think that's what popular culture wants to see. The network's aim is to make money - that's all - and if you want your business to turn a profit you have to offer what the masses desire. Social conscience is rendered irrelevant under such conditions. The trick then is to MAKE social conscience profitable...that is, until the day our species has evolved to the point where greed and lust for power, with no regard for the detrimental consequences these things have on the environment and human life, are not the driving forces that move us. If this doesn't happen, we may very well drive ourselves right into extinction.
As for Jung and his theories,I'm not big on spiritual/mystical explanations for human behavior (although I'm not utterly closed to the idea)or of blaming everything on childhood, especially if the person in question had an objectively reasonably healthy upbringing. And from the small bits I've read and from the way Mary handles herself, as well as the way she speaks fondly of her parents and family, it seems as if her formative years were relatively "good" ones. I don't know enough about her to say that unequivocally though, so I guess you could be right. I absolutely do agree with you, however, that everyone deserves compassion. :-)
First, I want to say how much I enjoy your blogs about RHOV. You are unbelievably astute & extremely well written. Thank you for putting into words how I saw the behaviors of the *stars* of this show.
ReplyDeleteOk, so I just read an articule about how Jody's store was vandalized & I don't condone breaking the law even if the owner of the business is as despicable as Jody is. Anyway, as I was reading I was hoping to hear that they had suspects or that the perpetraters had been caught. But no, to my chagrin & amazement Jody used the opportunity to yet again lace into Mary.
And I quote "But the reality-TV star placed most of the blame for the attack on her co-star and nemesis, Mary Zilba. I am being targeted because she told people I sell fur [in the store],” Claman told The Province"
Seriously? Somehow in Jody's twisted mind this is Mary's fault? Really???? It could't be that she wears fur all the frigging time on the show!!! oh no it HAS to be Mary! Ugh!
Now I know Jody is beyond delusional & should for the public's safety probably be declared mentally incompetent, locked up in an asylum & prescribed heavy doses of anti-psychotics!!! But even she can't really be so far gone into fantasy land that she truely believes its Mary's fault? Really!?!?!?!?
I'm at a loss for words (i know all evidence to the contrary lol). My jaw actually dropped open when I read she blamed Mary for the vandalism. Jody has completely lost her mind. Jump way past obsession & is now knee deep into OCD like behavior about everything Mary.
signed: Dumbfounded Dee
I just read that too! and had the same reaction as you: dumbfounded. This pretty obliterates any theory that Jody plays up the bullying angle for the sake of the show, but in "real" life is all benevolence and goodwill.
DeleteThanks for stopping by Dee and also for your wonderfully encouraging words! :-)