Monday, April 13, 2015

How Not to be Happy

In the quest for happiness, people can unwittingly kill the very contentment they hope to capture. Theirs is a kind of caged happiness, which is no more genuine than caged freedom. Eventually dejection sets in and a dejected person is an unhappy person.

But is unhappiness really such an undesirable thing? Perhaps there is comfort in misery. There are certainly enough miserable people around to keep the unhappy from feeling they are alone.

For those who are sick and tired of hunting down that elusive happy camper, learning how to be unhappy might be the way to go. The key is to remain locked in a perpetual fog of negativity and hopelessness in four easy steps. Unhappiness will surely follow.

Negative Ruminations

First, be sure to dwell on the negative aspects of any given situation, person or thing, no matter how seemingly positive. This pessimism is easy when the circumstance is overtly tragic like a betrayal, death, financial ruin or injury. However, for true, far-reaching unhappiness, one must also look for the downside in every rainbow, sunset, birthday party, holiday, new relationship, job advancement, financial gain and personal accomplishment. Adopt the mantra that for every good thing in life there is always a downside. Every reward has a punishment and every accomplishment a failure.


Second, complain about the impossibility of your circumstances and do nothing to improve them, even when solutions are presented to you. Argue that you are a victim of the world and there is absolutely zilch that you can do about it. As you complain, frequently use the word "but", particularly when others give you practical advice. Never challenge yourself to act, unless it is in the role of victim.

Since you will already be engaged in negative ruminations, openly complaining should be the natural next step. Grumble about everything and anything — blighted hope, the weather, taxes, the neighbors, the state of the world and physical ailments are all possible subjects.

Shun Gratitude

Third, do not be grateful. This goes hand in hand with pessimism. Gratitude is only for happy fools and you’re no fool. You are too disillusioned to be thankful and you like it that way. Do not appreciate the air you breathe, the good health others less enlightened than you might enjoy, the gifts you are given, the people who claim to love you, or the lucky breaks you endure.

The instant you experience appreciation and say thank you, you run the risk of becoming happy. Rather than have this happen, hold the belief that the world, God/Goddess or whatever owes you and anything you receive is compensation for simply being alive. It is other people and not you who should be grateful for the honor of having you walk the planet.

Ignore the Present

Fourth, never live in the present and always look forward to what is certain to be the bleak future. Remain in a constant state of worry and doubt about the probability of misfortune around the next bend.

Anything positive that might be happening in the moment is not worth appreciating because you know it will not last. Why waste emotional energy on fleeting sources of happiness and future disappointment when you can be unhappy at the current time? Better to conserve endorphins and embrace malcontent today.

Besides, everything comes to an end – all things must die. In fact, the whole purpose of the present is to plan for your inevitable demise. You started dying the day you were conceived. How can you possibly enjoy the present when mortality looms overhead and death is where you're heading?

Finally, by following the above steps with narrow-mindedness and perseverance your unhappiness is virtually guaranteed. Do worry – be unhappy.

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