Thursday, May 28, 2015

Barbie has some Pretty big shoes to fill with those Pretty big Feet

What has happened to Barbie’s feet? They are humungous. Everything else about her seems pretty much the same, maybe a little more hippy and slightly less busty, but those differences are barely perceptible. Her feet though?

Barbie's old school generation feet before the gender wage gap was considered an issue.  


Barbie's millennial generation feet kicking in doors, closing wage gaps and breaking glass.

With all the feminist concern and speculation over the years regarding Barbie’s possible negative influence on the burgeoning self-image and cultural status of little girls, this is the result? Bigger, flatter feet?



Is this going to be a thing now? Girls will start stuffing their shoes so their feet look a few sizes bigger than they actually are and then flop around, tripping over their own flipper-like feet in a futile attempt to be just like Barbie?

Social commenters and experts of various persuasions will blame pop culture in general and Barbie in particular for an epidemic of clumsiness seen in female preadolescents, as well as an alarming trend towards risky calcaneal implants and phalangeal fillers amongst young women old enough to give surgical consent.

People will reminisce with a sense of loss and nostalgia over the good old days, when girls had normal sized feet and could walk without twisting an ankle or doing a face plant in the pavement. There will be an explosion in the number of ER visits related to fractured bones and bloody noses. Barbie will thus be implicated in an overburdened health care system, resulting in a public outcry that Mattel resize its Barbie molds yet again.

Even more troubling, some investigative journalist will uncover a new and up-until-then little spoken of foot fetish spreading throughout the male population, whereby a significant number of men can no longer be aroused by small to average footed females.

The word “paw” transforms into a crude misogynist slur and eventually a grassroots movement is born to reclaim the “P word”.

There will be a surge in feminist outrage and a long overdue rise in masculine shame, leading to a rash of 12-step groups popping up near orthotic centres and shoe stores everywhere.

Podophillia becomes a crime and police put out an alert to be on the lookout for online predators posing as podiatrists with an unusually intrusive interest in toe jam and plantar warts.

More disturbing than that, foot rape also becomes a crime and females are warned against enhancing the size of their feet, the implication being that if a girl makes her foot too out-of-proportionally appealing then she’s “asking for it”.

There will be much debate regarding what constitutes consent. If an abnormally lengthened second phalanx unintentionally extends beyond the confines of an open-toed sandal and accidentally brushes against a nearby male foot while commuting on a bus, for example, is that akin to consent? There are, after all, A LOT of easily excitable nerves in a human foot, especially when said foot has not been permanently numbed by botulism and the unsteady hand of a second rate plastic surgeon with a drinking problem.

Is it reasonable then that a foot rapist overcome by the overwhelming physical sensations of involuntary pedal spasms be held criminally responsible? To what extent, if any, should a victim, conditioned by societal foot norms and fashion trends, be blamed for the assaults on her augmented feet?

These polarizing questions will elicit angry responses from all sides with the less intellectually evolved factions arguing if a girl is going to traipse about town with swollen, heaving feet ballooning out all over the place then she must be begging for, and thus deserve, an assaultive foot massage from some random perpetrator covered in facial hair and wielding a pair of menacing nail clippers.

In retaliation, loosely organized Paw Walks and flash mobs will spontaneously sprout up in cities across the country with women baring naked feet, fungus and all, and holding signs that read: “These Paws Were Made for Walking and Walking is What they’ll do. These Paws are gonna Walk all over You!”

On the bright side, Barbie and her pretty little head always did have some pretty big shoes to fill. Maybe now she can actually fill them.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.